A look at the appeal of giant and/or angry animal horror, and a rundown of each species’ best and worst.

by Rachel Hyland

Remember, a few years back, when Syfy broadcast the utterly ridiculous-sounding (and looking… and being…) original movie Megashark Versus Giant Octopus? Starring Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah (neé Debbie) Gibson and featuring – this is true – a scene in which an enormous shark leaps so far into the air as to bite the wing of a passing plane, I bet you wondered at the time who on earth would watch such nonsensical, lowest common denominator, pander-y Z-grade crap.

The answer: me! Oh, yes indeedy.

I love a Mutant Animals Attack! movie. Or even just a regular animal attacks movie, the animal doesn’t necessarily have to be mutant, just a relentless killer – though it does help if there is a reason behind its unusual bloodthirstiness for the delicacy that is man. Sometimes they’ve been affected by some form of radiation or pollution. Other times they are merely prehistoric hunters whose millennia-long hibernations have been disturbed. Sometimes there’s been genetic manipulation, or selective breeding—though just as often it’s merely that the animal is really big, and apparently mightily pissed off. Whatever the reason might be, if a predatory beast, or swarm of such, is on the loose and there is much blood in the water/jungle/small town/research station, then I am bound to be held entranced until the monster is, at last, sliced/diced/julienned/shot/speared/blown up/otherwise mutilated (but often leaving behind a next generation of future troublesome beasties).How to explain my love of these kinds of movies? What is it about enormous, angry, genetically-modified, prehistoric or in any other way massively aggressive animals who seem to want nothing more than to kill us all dead in large and conspicuous numbers? I mean, I am on record as not being much of a horror fan – Scream and The Cabin in the Woods notwithstanding. Usually the foreboding strains of a someone’s-going-to-die-horribly-soon melody is enough to send me precipitously from the room on the slimmest of pretexts, and fountains of red corn syrup blood substitute ordinarily leave me thoroughly disgusted and not a little upset.

 

Nor I am not one for monster movies, like Creature from the Black Lagoon, or The Fly or even your old school vampire, wolfman or Frankenstein screamfests. (Although MST3K does make them more enjoyable.) I think my issue with human/animal hybrid movies, your C. H. U. D. and your Splice and – again, this is really true – your Mansquito, is that these killers manifest some semblance of humanity and yet have no compunction about murdering people left and right, presumably because they’re sad they’re not technically “people” anymore.

Personally, I prefer my human hybrids to be more… well… Ninja Turtle-y.

But when it comes to Mutant (or non-mutant) Animals Attack! movies, we are dealing with creatures of pure instinct, and often we have messed with them in some way, which drives them to decapitate, mutilate and/or otherwise take out whatever scientist/deckhand/random townsperson/promiscuous coed happens to be in their sights. And there is no viewer guilt associated with admiring the artful and gory ways in which the creatures’ victims die; it’s not like we’re celebrating the vicious creativity of a sentient, if insane, serial killer. These animals kill because that is what they were born, or made, to do. It’s how they survive.

It’s the circle of life. It rules us all.

I also like that there is very often a strong environmental message associated with these films – climate change thawed out the prehistoric beastie! Toxic runoff made the bear gigantic! – or even a moral lesson – atomic radiation from bomb testing made bugs the size of trucks! Science gone mad made the sharks too smart!

And if nothing else, these movies give favorite actors, particularly those of a cultish bent, a place to go while they’re waiting for their next career reinvention (or next Star Trek/Stargate/Buffy/Charmed/Smallville/Babylon 5 convention).

The former Sci-Fi Channel, now styled Syfy – and, weirdly, I have finally gotten so used to it that “Sci-Fi Channel” looks wrong somehow – is the world’s leading perpetrator of some of the more deliciously nonsensical examples of this genre, their genius culminating in such tour de force creations such as the aforementioned Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009), which was followed by Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus (2010) and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid (2011) .

Okay, so, yes, some of these scenarios are more likely to happen than others.

Here, a look at the best and the worst (which, admittedly, doesn’t always necessarily leave a wide margin) of each species – or order, or genus, or phylum, or whatever – of ruthless killer beastie:

ANTS

As improbable as it might seem, ants on the rampage can actually be pretty terrifying…

AWESOME

The very first killer ant movie, the very first “big bug” movie, and still holding up almost sixty years later, Them! (1954) sees citizens of, and visitors to, a small town mysteriously disappearing, and if it weren’t for the giant bugs on the poster/DVD cover of this film it would be easy to think it a simple serial killer procedural, albeit one where the killer had the strength to tear open steel caravans and had a great fondness for sugar. Eventually – and it takes us a long while to get there – the “killer” is revealed to be a nest of irradiated ants, made monstrous by atomic fallout, much harder to kill than your average specimen, and which for some unspecified reason have now developed a taste for human flesh. (And this before much of the population became at least 13% high fructose corn syrup.) The search for a similarly giant magnifying glass ensues. Or, no, wait, it’s a flamethrower. Same difference.

AWFUL

Empire of the Ants (1977) starts off as a documentary, segues into a soap opera full of hateful 70s stereotypes and then becomes a lesson about the dangers of toxic dumping when a boatload of hopeful land investors is attacked by killer ants the size of cars. Starring Joan Collins, this movie features abysmal effects – real ants are used, magnified and/or filmed walking over photos of the sets – and the final fifteen minutes is basically just screaming, both human and ant, which could not be more annoying. H. G. Wells’s original story takes such a pounding here it should take out a restraining order.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Vast expanses of silence punctuated by advancedly intelligent hivemind ants and the wacky sci-fi concept that created them makes Phase IV (1973) an utterly unmissable, ahead of its time masterpiece, one that could well have been a major influence on David Lynch when he made Dune a decade later. It’s even more fun to watch with the (very early) MST3K commentary, which you can do here. And even more fun if you’re stoned. (Again, much like Dune.)

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

GiAnts (2008). Now, that’s just clever.

OTHERS 

Legion of Fire: Killer Ants!, AKA Marabunta (1998), Glass Trap (2005), The Bone Snatchers (2003).

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BIRDS

Anyone who has ever been swooped by a magpie knows that birds can be vicious, and that’s just the regular kind. Imagine if the birds’ instincts were messed with, and they were motivated—like maybe if green pigs stole their eggs or something. You know, I think there’s a game in there somewhere…

AWESOME

Well, obviously, when we’re talking killer bird movies, the aptly-named Hitchcock thriller The Birds (1963) is the clear winner here. Nothing more really needs be said.

AWFUL

The tagline for Beast Within, AKA Virus Undead (2008) reads “Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds meets Outbreak”. How freaking dare they? This piece of garbage has kamikaze birds carrying an extreme bird flu that is essentially a zombie virus, leading everyone who is pecked by the nasty little suckers to become the gurning, decaying undead. My main problem with this one is the accents; German actors trying to do American accents and failing dismally make it even more painful than it no doubt already sounds. Avoid at all costs.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

A largely forgotten gem of the genre, Beaks: The Movie (1987) – styled in Spanish as El ataque de los pájaros on the IMDb; what, are they trying to make people think this is some kind of art house-y foreign film? – sees lots of slow motion flapping and a whole slew of eyes gouged out by hawks, crows, pigeons and even, in one memorable scene, white doves: “So long,” laments reporter Vanessa (Michelle Johnson), “a symbol of peace.” Why the birds suddenly attack us? No one’s really sure. But when you have the admittedly beauteous Christopher Atkins (of Blue Lagoon fame) woodenly delivering lines like “We’re sitting ducks” and a farmer getting attacked by his chickens, you are almost guaranteed a good time.

OTHERS

Rodan (1956); The Giant Claw (1957), The Birds 2: Land’s End (1994).

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BEARS

According to Stephen Colbert, the number one threat to America, more often than not, is BEARS! As these movies amply attest…

AWESOME

A surprise box office smash, Grizzly (1976) is the story of a really big grizzly bear attacking people because… well, because it’s a really big bear. Think Jaws – a movie it was, of course, designed to capitalize on; it’s tagline: “The most dangerous jaws in the world” – but with, you know. A bear. Oh, excuse me. A prehistoric bear, inexplicably brought into the modern world, standing fifteen feet tall and known as a Arctodus ursos horribilis.(Don’t bother consulting your textbooks. Arctodus ursos horribilis never existed.)

AWFUL

In Grizzly Rage (2007), idiot college kids break into a protected wildlife sanctuary, run over a bear cub, and then become targets for the mother bear’s justifiable rage. She’s not a mutant or anything, just a regular bear overcome with grief, and seeking justice. Never have you been more on the side of the monster, and never have you been more satisfied when vengeance is hers. (Though not satisfied by the movie as a whole, obviously. It’s pretty bad.)

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Beautifully shot and scored, Prophecy (1979) might even fit into the “Awesome” category were it not for the labored, yet poignant, environmental message that comes along with it. (Not to mention the not-entirely-politically-correct “native” tribe we encounter, led by, of all people, Armand Assante.) Missing lumberjacks in the backwoods make it clear that something is out there; that something, it eventually transpires, is a mutated bear, made massive and grumpy by eating fish contaminated with a toxic fungicide—which is making everything bigger, except for the people it is making sick. (Or is the giant bear, as the local indigenous community would have it, a vengeful forest spirit aroused by the wanton destruction of the land? Whatever, the bear dies. Take that, nature!)

OTHERS

Grizzly Park (2008)

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CROCODILES and ALLIGATORS

Never smile at a crocodile…

AWESOME

Betty White as an unapologetically batty, foulmouthed crocodile mama makes Lake Placid (1999) one of the funniest – and not in a groan-inducing way – killer creature movies you will ever see, and the inclusion in the cast of three eminently likeable actors in Bill Pullman, Bridget Fonda and Oliver Platt is just icing on the crazy-evil-elderly-lady-with-a-weird-pet-fetish cake. (It’s three sequels are, naturally, less awesome.) In a very different way, Rogue (2007) is also awesome, pitting the ever-handsome Michael Vartan (Alias), Radha Mitchell (Pitch Black) and Sam Worthington (yeah, that guy) against a massive killer croc during a cruise through, it must be mentioned, crocodile-infested waters in Australia’s Northern Territory. As one who has been on just such a cruise… yugghhughugh.

AWFUL

We’re used to stupid in these kinds of movies, but Crocodile (2000) brings us a whole new level of stupid. Like, Level 95 stupid. Our “heroes” (and I use the term so loosely it is practically falling apart) visit a swamp, get attacked by the titular beast after one of their number steals one if its eggs, they realize they need to return the egg to make things right, but then one of the number kills the crocodile anyway using the cartoon-level technique of being swallowed by the thing and then spraying its insides with poison, thence getting spat out again. Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002) is largely just the same plot, but with even dumber people.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

It’s alternate name of Krocodylus truly takes all the surprise out of the otherwise shocking twist in Blood Surf (2000). Lame-brained surfers looking for a thrill decide to cut themselves and then surf shark-infested waters; ooh, the eXtreme! They ultimately realize this little hobby of theirs is less fun when they all start dying – courtesy not of sharks but of a badass, badly-rendered, crocodile! Quite a twist, huh? It’s positively Sixth Sense-ian.

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

DinoCroc (2004). It’s a dinosaur… and it’s a crocodile!

OTHERS

The Alligator People (1958); Alligator (1980); Killer Crocodile (1989); The Brutal River (2005); Croc (2007); Primeval (2007); Black Water (2007).

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DINOSAURS

Under this category falls not only the “terrible lizards” so popular with eight-year old boys, but also any form of enormous and/or angry prehistoric life that has no truck with humanity having become the top predators of the planet…

AWESOME

Well, obviously Jurassic Park (with a lesser mention given to its sequels). And while there is some debate over his origins, it seems clear that Godzilla is a dinosaur, if one made extra-terrible through atomic radiation or whatever, and as long as we ignore the dreadful, dreadful 2000 American version of his adventures, we all have to agree that he is pretty awesome, even if only in just a macro, conceptual way. (By the same token, Gamera represents a prehistoric species of giant, apparently flying, sharp-toothed turtles, and is awesome because…. well, he’s a giant, apparently flying, sharp-toothed turtle.)

AWFUL

Behemoth, the Sea Monster (1959). Three words: death by plesiosaurus!;

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Brian Krause (Leo from Charmed!) stars in the utterly bewildering, and yet always entertaining, Warbirds (2008), the tale of WWII fighter pilots crash landing on an uncharted island in the Pacific, being harassed by Japanese aggressors and also—and for some reason this is seen as pretty much something you might expect to encounter on an uncharted island in the Pacific—pterosaurs! Special mentions must also go to Syfy’s Triassic Attack (2010), if for no other reason than because it was directed by Colin Ferguson – yes, Sheriff Jack Carter from Eureka – as well as to DinoCroc (see above) and DinoShark (see below).

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

Tyrannosaurus Azteca (2007). It just sounds so… scholarly.

OTHERS

The Lost World (1925); The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953); The Valley of Gwangi (1969); The Land That Time Forgot (1975); The People That Time Forgot (1977); The Last Dinosaur (1977); Q: The Winged Serpent (1982); Deep Freeze, AKA Ice Crawlers (2003)—trilobites.

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DOGS

No one likes to think of puppies gone bad, and I am not going to deny that killer dog movies are my least favorite out of all the pantheon of Mutant Animals Attack! Still, some worth mentioning are…

AWESOME

Cujo (1983) is the uplifting tale of a St. Bernard bitten by a bat and sent on a rabid rampage. It’s scary because it could be true. And, also, is just scary.

AWFUL

The Breed (2006) actually debuted at Cannes, which perhaps sent my expectations for it soaring just a touch too high, but when you have a family-owned island overrun by vicious, selectively-bred-by-the-army attack dogs and then throw onto said island the expected group of Horror Movie Young People, all you really have is… well, snarly, growly dogs killing everyone. And I mean “everyone”. (Michelle Rodriguez, you’re better than this.)

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978). The production values are non-existent, the fashions are an eyesore and man, the devil doggy effects are capital-D Dreadful. But, dude! The dog was bred by a Satanist, it has psychic powers, steals peoples’ souls, and the movie stars the kids from the original Disney Witch Mountain flicks! As killer dog movies go, this one is hilarious.

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

Among your expected canine cliché titles like Play Dead (1986), Mongrel (1983) and Man’s Best Friend (1993), how can you go past something as deliciously ridiculous as Zoltan… Hound of Dracula (1978)?

OTHERS

Dogs (1976); The Pack (1977); Monster Dog (1982); Revenge (1986); Atomic Dog (1998); Rottweiler (2004); Cerberus (2005); Hellhounds (2009).

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INSECTS (MISCELLANEOUS)

Ah, the terror that is bugs! Aside from the ant movies, there are also a surprising number of mosquito and worm movies that bring with them their own levels of ick, as well as a bunch of cockroach-related madness that will leave one starting at every nighttime skitter for weeks. Like…

AWESOME

Mimic (1997) – and, to a far lesser extent, its three sequels – is all about how genetic manipulation and the introduction of species into new ecosystems can lead to unlooked for consequences… in this case, the Judas Breed is a type of evil praying mantis-y bug that is designed to rid New York City of the plague-carrying cockroaches that have infested it, but instead of dying out as they were intended, the Judas bugs decide to eradicate the human population of New York, as well. Mira Sorvino and Jeremy Northam both shine in director Guillermo del Toro’s first Hollywood film.

Tremors (1990) – and, to a far, far lesser extent, its three sequels – is another quite clever attacking bugs movie, though these ones are enormous worm-like creatures called graboids mysteriously decimating a small Nevada town. Our K. Burtt explains this movie’s appeal:

“[What] I appreciate about Tremors is that there is no explanation of what the graboids really are, or where they come from. And no real attempt at an explanation, either, other than brief speculation by some of the characters. Are they aliens? Are they a government experiment gone wrong? Are they the mutated genetic cross between eels and naked mole rats? (One can only hope “yes” for that last one.) We don’t know, and it doesn’t matter.”

Nor do we really know what is happening in Infestation (2009), directed by Kyle Rankin, of whom we will hopefully be hearing again soon. Funny, faux-frightening and just a little bit facile, this is Shaun of the Dead, if Shaun of the Dead were America and about alien bugs and a few steps less clever. Still, it’s thoroughly worth your while, if you can find it.

AWFUL

Loosely – and I really mean that – based on the Roger Zelazny short story that shares its name, Damnation Alley (1997) stars Airwolf’s Jan-Michael Vincent and The A-Team’s George Peppard as US Air Force officers who push the buttons that initiate nuclear Armageddon, and then two years later are forced to deal with the mutated cockroaches that were the result – oh, and the Earth has been blown off its axis during the nuclear holocaust, because that happens. Basically, a bunch of people get eaten by cockroaches. But it’s gross, not fun.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Well, obviously all the Mothra movies (did you know Mothra was part moth, part butterfly? Weird.) and while The Swarm (1978) is famous for being a huge flop, even as killer bug movies go, this tale of a—ahem—swarm of killer bees that ravages an army base is… yeah, pretty terrible. But so very terrible that it is unbelievably entertaining, the very epitome of this category.

Similarly bad but good is High Plains Invaders (2009), starring Spike himself, James Marsters. A new take on the killer bug flick, our action takes place in olden days-y Western times, and the killer bugs are from space! (Oh, wait, the from space! bit has been done before. But the Western thing is new.) It’s ridiculously entertaining, and Marsters is a hoot… although he’s probably not trying to be.

I’m also going to give points here to Ticks, AKA Infested (1993), a movie starring Seth Green and the guy who played Will Smith’s upper crust cousin Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel Air, if for no other reason than, hey, Seth Green and the guy who played Will Smith’s upper crust cousin Carlton on Fresh Prince of Bel Air!

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

Mongolian Death Worm (2010). Because who wouldn’t want to watch a movie called Mongolian Death Worm, that’s what I’d like to know?

OTHERS

Beginning of the End (1957)—mutant locusts; The Deadly Mantis (1957); Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959); Bug (1975)—cockroach; The Lair of the White Worm (1988); Skeeter (1993)—mosquitoes; Mosquito (1995); Bugged (1996); The Nest (1998)—cockroaches; Bug Buster (1998); Black Swarm (1998)—wasps; They Nest, AKA Creepy Crawlers (2000)—cockroaches; Centipede! (2004); Infestation (2009); Sand Serpents (2009)

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MAMMALS (MISCELLANEOUS)

Basically, the whole zoo just wants us dead…

AWESOME

The Ghost and the Darkness (1996) stars Michael Douglas and Val Kilmer and is the fictionalized account of that lions who went on a killing spree in Kenya at the turn of the nineteenth century. It’s a great, great movie, and at the very high end of the genre – in, indeed, it is a part of it at all. Australian gorefest Razorback (1984), on the other hand, is utterly representative of the genre, with a gigantic wild boar roaming the Outback and killing indiscriminately, covering up the evils that men do as well as perpetrating its senseless own. Very, very scary, carrying a disturbing message and leavened by moments of what the hell? humor, this is a Mutant Animal Attacks! movie par excellence.

AWFUL

Oh, Timothy Busfield! Those years in between thirtysomething and The West Wing were so unkind, weren’t they? Strays (1992) is an absolutely abysmal movie, beating out, and I am serious here, Bats (1999) as the very worst of this category. (BATS!) Killer big cats, sure, we can all see that. But killer kitties? Feral kitties? Attacking a family for – and there is just no excuse for this – no reason whatsoever? Um. No.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

We’ve long been told that the depletion of the ozone layer is a Very Bad Thing, but what Greenpeace has failed to mention and what Al Gore forgot to note in his Oscar-winning PowerPoint presentation is that without the protection that it affords, harmful solar radiation will bathe the highest altitudes of the Earth – upwards of 5,000 feet above sea level, that is – and turn the animals who live there into vicious, savage killers. Cue killer bear! Killer mountain lion! Killer wolves! Killer eagles! And a bunch of luckless hikers who are in their sights… Thank you, Day of the Animals (1977), for telling us a truth that so many in the environmental lobby refuse to even acknowledge.

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

Blood Monkey (2007). BLOOD MONKEY!!!!

OTHERS

King Kong (1933); Night Creature (1978)—leopard; Uninvited (1988)—housecat; Sabretooth (2002); King Kong (2005)—the Peter Jackson version; Maneater (2007)—tiger; Pig Hunt (2008); Burning Bright (2010)—tigers.

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OCTOPUS AND SQUID

Slimy, flaily and frequently poisonous. Yep, it’s easy to see why sea monsters like these are such popular topics of horror…

AWESOME

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) is the seminal masterwork in this very specialized sub-subgenre, birthed out of the seminal masterwork of pretty much all killer monster stories that followed. (Although, yes, okay, mythology.) This version of Jules Verne’s classic tale sees Kirk Douglas play master harpooner Ned Land – now there’s a job description that has fallen out of fashion nowadays – and the always-compelling James Mason as the misunderstood genius, Captain Nemo. As much a philosophical treatise and a rumination on the human condition as it is a monster movie (and book), this movie’s giant squid is nevertheless the benchmark for all such outsized, exoskeleton-less creatures that have come since. Oh, and hey! It’s also a musical!

 

AWFUL

I think my main problem with TV movie The Beast (1996) is that it takes itself just way too seriously, perhaps due to its pedigree: the book upon which it is based was written by Peter Benchley, scribe of Jaws. And so instead of reveling in the glorious absurdity of a giant squid – in fact, two giant squids; it’s a family affair – killing people, it gets all preachy about the commercialization of the environment or some such, and even a pre-CSI William Petersen’s substantial gravitas cannot save it from utter inanity.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

James Van Der Beek as a grizzled, careworn scientist in Eye of the Beast (2007), which gives us an enormous squid ingesting locals and tourists in the middle of a massive, er, freshwater lake, is a pretty fun time. As unlikely as that sounds.

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep (2006). Release the kraken! (And the Cory Monteith! Acting, by the by, as a non-high schooler years before Glee. Basically what I’m saying is, that kid is, like, 45.)

OTHERS

It Came from Beneath the Sea (1955)—mutant octopus; Deep Rising (1998); Octopus (2000); Octopus 2: River of Fear (2002). Yes, river of fear.

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REPTILES (MISCELLANEOUS)

AWESOME

Korean film The Host (2006) – original title: Gwoemul – is a legitimately terrific movie, pitting a mutant killer amphibian of indeterminate species against the city of Seoul, mostly as represented by the close-knit but slightly worse for wear Park family. Acclaimed lavishly throughout the critic-osphere, beloved of iconoclast foreign cinema enthusiasts and horror aficionados alike, as well as being the recipient of a slew of international awards, The Host is a clever, entertaining, suspenseful, gut-wrenching, heart-warming, amusing and ultimately devastating experience, monster movie or no.

AWFUL

Probably the best thing that can be said about The Curse of the Komodo (2004) is that it is marginally less headache-inducing than its sequel, Komodo vs. Cobra (2005). Director Jim Wynorski is legend in this particular oeuvre of film (Dinosaur Island, The Wasp Woman, and more recently Dinocroc vs. Supergator), making this one a double disappointment, with a giant komodo dragon that would not look out of place on Robot Chicken basically just chasing stupid people and roaring—which, do modern-day, non-dinosaur lizards roar?—and one of the more plothole-ridden excuses for a script it has even been my misfortune to encounter. Which, as you can imagine, given this piece, is saying Very Something.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

What do you get when you throw together a giant lizard, hot rods, a bunch of supposedly troublesome but really rather wholesome 50s teens (occasionally even at a sock hop!), some tragic attempts at rock ‘n’ roll and a model train set? You get The Giant Gila Monster (1959), an absolutely classic Mutant Animal Attacks! movie, that’s what! (And, yes, MST3K have covered it, too.)

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell (1982). Oh, hell yes!

OTHERS

Aberration (1997)—mutant lizards.

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SEA CREATURES (MISCELLANEOUS)

They’re not all like Sebastian, Flounder, Nemo and Marlin…

AWESOME

The original Piranha (1978) is merrily ridiculous, but just a little bit unsettling with it. Produced by schlock-god Roger Corman, it’s basically a parody of Jaws, but the fact that there is a school of killer fish loose in a river, and that these killer fish are the product of military experiments during the Vietnam War, and that the movie ends ambiguously, with the piranha living to chomp another day, make it pretty much the ultimate in B-grade Mutant Animals Attack! movies, and always rewarding to rewatch. Alexandre Aja’s Piranha 3D (2010) is a worthy successor (much more so, incidentally, than 1981′s Piranha 2: The Spawning); as Geek Speak’s own David Baldwin said in his review: “Despite its threadbare premise, Piranha 3D survives on an alternating scale of maniacal destruction and sheer glee.”

AWFUL

The recently released Piranha 3DD (2012). Again, let’s check in with David: “The single biggest problem with the film is quite simply, it is not very fun… It is devoid of a soul and a personality… Making things worse, it seems like someone allowed a piranha into the editing room and let it shred up what little semblance of a plot there really was here. The film barely begins before it finds its ending, losing entire characters along the way. Did they die? Did the piranhas get them, or did they commit suicide from how silly the script was? We may never know.”

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Roger Corman both directed and produced Attack of the Crab Monsters (1957), in which scientists are shocked to discover that nuclear testing in the South Pacific has bred a huge form of carnivorous crab that can gain intelligence through its ingested prey. Can you imagine that pitch meeting? “Why, it’s just so crazy it just might work!” I like to envision a paunchy, cigar-chomping mogul exclaiming. And he’s right!

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

Frankenfish (2004). And Sharktopus (2010). Also, Piranhaconda (directed by the aforementioned Jim Wynorski) just debuted on Syfy earlier this month, and, wow. Just… wow.

OTHERS

The Monster That Challenged the World (1957)—giant mollusks; Orca: The Killer Whale (1977);

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SHARKS

No killer animal has been more celebrated cinematically than the shark. With good reason…

AWESOME

Well, Jaws (1975) of course, everyone loves Jaws. And Jaws 2 (1978), yeah, still pretty decent, though by the time we get to Jaws 3-D (1983) and Jaws 4: The Revenge (1987), we have definitely crossed the line into So Bad It’s Good territory. But without doubt my favorite, favorite killer shark movie is Deep Blue Sea (1999), for LL Cool J’s amusing dialogue and the hot, hot, hotness of Thomas Jane in a wetsuit as much as for its silly let’s-cure-Alzheimer’s premise and spectacularly clever Samuel L. Jackson death scene. Also, Saffron Burrows? Incalculably beautiful.

And special props to Discovery Channel’s docudrama 12 Days of Terror (2004), which was broadcast – predictably – during Shark Week and which pitted the dignified John Rhys-Davies against a shark inexplicably attacking Jersey Shore swimmers, killing several. It’s really a very good historical recreation, but since it is all very real, is less fun than, say, Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2010), which is based on the same true story but is just way, way wackier, especially as it features such characters as “The Complication” and “Nookie”. Yeah, it’s just full of clever satire like that!

Also based on a true story is one of the most terrifying movies I have ever seen: Open Water (2003). I’d rather not discuss it further.

AWFUL

As our David Baldwin said in his review of Shark Night 3D last year: “Instead of getting a ridiculous movie about sharks mauling pretty 20-somethings that embraces the sheer silliness of the very idea, we get a deadly serious, high-concept slasher film that seems to have no concept of what fun is.” So, yeah. That.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Oh, hello Kim Catrall as a “deuteragonist” – I know, right? – in Creature (1998), a TV movie scripted by Farscape creator Rockne S. O’Bannon and based on the Peter Benchley novel White Shark. (Jeez, didn’t that guy ever write about anything else?) Technically, it’s not entirely a shark movie, since here we are dealing with a shark/dolphin hybrid, but seriously, since it now bloodily shreds stuff to death extra efficiently instead of, you know, just having to be super careful about the sharpness of its teeth when it catches a ball on its nose, clearly the ancient shark instinct won out over the Flipper-y dolphin friendliness, and so we can surely count this “creature” here. (And, yes, okay, it’s also part man. But at least it wasn’t a man turned into a shark/dolphin, so I am totally fine with that part.)

Red Water (2003) stars Lou Diamond Phillips and original Buffy, Kristy Swanson, as workers for an oil company who are attacked by a massive, enraged shark that could well be a nature spirit taking revenge for the drilling platform set up along the Louisiana river. So, of course, they kill it. Again: take that, nature! (Kristy Swanson also stars in 2011’s Swamp Shark, alongside D. B. Sweeney. Hilarious!)

Let’s also pay homage to Geek Speak’s own David Rosiak and his Syfy original, along with writing partner Matthew Chernov, Shark Swarm (2008). ’Cause that movie is crazy fun.

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012). Because… come on!

OTHERS

Okay, here we go: Mako: The Jaws of Death (1976); Tintorera: Killer Shark (1977); Great White (1982); Monster Shark AKA Shark: Red on the Ocean, Devouring Waves and Devil Fish (1984); Deep Blood (1989)—it’s Italian!; Cruel Jaws (1995)—based on yet another shark-themed Peter Benchley novel; Shark Attack (1999), Shark Attack 2 (2001), Shark Hunter (2001)—Antonio Sabato Jr.!; Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002); Megalodon (2002); Shark Alarm (2003); Blue Demon (2004); Raging Sharks (2005); Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy (2005); Spring Break Shark Attack, AKA Dangerous Water (2005); Sharkwater (2006); Shark in Venice (2008); Malibu Shark Attack (2009); The Reef (2010).

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SNAKES

Bite me!

AWESOME

I love Eric Stoltz and will watch him in just about anything (well, not Caprica, obviously; even my devotion can only be driven so far), which made Anaconda (1997) an obvious must-see for me. Stoltz plays an anthropologist trekking down the Amazon with a camera crew to find a lost tribe, and sadly sits out most of the movie unconscious after being stung by, of all things, a wasp—his coma is not even anaconda related! Happily, Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Owen Wilson (“Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?”), Jon Voight and Jonathan Pryce all keep things rolling along in his absence, the massive snake makes a bunch of vicious – if badly CGI’d – appearances, and then in the end, hey, Stoltz wakes up again and they find the tribe! Happy endings all around… well, except for everyone who’s dead.

AWFUL

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004), Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008) and, especially, Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009). Obviously.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Snakes on a Plane! Yes, yes, yes! Samuel L. Jackson may have tired of “these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”, but I assure you, I never did.

GREAT TITLE (IF NOTHING ELSE)

See above. Indeed, Snakes on a Plane! may be the greatest title of any movie, ever.

OTHERS 

Curse II: The Bite (1989)—starring Klinger from M. A. S. H.!; Python (2002); Copperhead (2008); Vipers (2008).

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SPIDERS AND SCORPIONS

If any creature was made for the creepy horror movie treatment, it would have to be the spider. Sharks, sure, I get it, and crocodiles make sense; both carry with them auras of ancient, canny malevolence and a certain efficiency of execution. But spiders… they tap into our animal brain’s deepest fears, because for a crocodile or a shark to attack you, you have to be in a pretty specific place, whereas spiders can get you anywhere, at any time. There could be one dangling above you right now!

AWESOME

Arachnophobia is notable for Julian Sands as a very sexy entomologist (and you thought for sure that was an oxymoron, huh?) and for the bravura performance of John Goodman as Delbert, an earnest and militant bug exterminator—sorry, he’s in “infestation management”. Witness this exchange, with Jeff Daniel’s much put-upon Dr. Ross Jennings:

DELBERT: Spiders would find your barn a tad breezy this time of year. In that respect, spiders are a bit like you and me. No, I frankly doubt there are any spiders in your barn.
ROSS: Well, I frankly know there is Delbert. I saw a web! There is a web in my barn!
DELBERT: [pause] A web would indicate an arachnoid presence.

Also comic gold in the spider movie stakes is Eight Legged Freaks (2002), in which the small town of Irony, sorry, Prosperity, Arizona is overrun by giant exotic spiders after a toxic spill and some really unfortunate clumsiness. David Arquette is fantastic here, as is Doug E. Doug as the local conspiracy nut, and this film is also notable for appearances by Matt Czuchry, Kari Wührer (also of Anaconda fame) and Scarlett Johansson. Yep, Scarlett freaking Johansson is in this movie. I bet you totally forgot that, right?

AWFUL

It feels mean to single out for ridicule another work by Burt I. Gordon, who also brought us the filmic delights of Empire of the Ants, but Earth vs. the Spider (1958) is even worse. WORSE.

SO BAD IT’S GOOD

Ice Spiders (2007) is another Syfy insta-classic. It’s basically Deep Blue Sea, but with spiders. In the snow. With a shoestring budget. And with no hot, hot Thomas Jane in a wetsuit. Okay, it’s not much like Deep Blue Sea. Except: experimental mad science made the spiders smarter! (And apparently impervious to the cold.) Good times.

OTHERS

Tarantula (1955); The Black Scorpion (1957); Beast from Haunted Cave (1959); The Giant Spider Invasion (1975); Kingdom of the Spiders (1977); Spiders (2000); Spiders II: Breeding Ground (2001); Tail Sting (2001); Arachnia (2003); Deadly Stingers (2003); Scorpius Gigantus (2006).

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And now, please allow me to leave you with these five classic lines, culled from…well, pretty much every Mutant Animals Attack! movie ever made:

• “What was that?”
• “I didn’t hear anything.”
• “Something strange is going on here.”
• “That’s impossible!”
• “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

– Rachel Hyland

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