GEEK VS GEEK:Introduction
It’s one of those contentious issues that will probably
never be solved. Like was Deckard a replicant? Where would
Flashforward have taken us? And why did f$#k$ng
George Lucas think he could make Greedo shoot first?The issue is this; pound for pound, who would win an Alien VS Predator showdown? Sadly, we will never truly know. Why? Because every attempt to address this, in movies, novels, and even comics (anyone remember Aliens versus Predator versus The Terminator?) has been truly horrible. I couldn’t even make it all the way through Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem, putting it in a distinguished handful of movies that, for me, remain unfinished (and half of which star Vin Diesel).
So I’m going to ignore the Alien vs. Predator movies (right, like a Predator would ever slow down to help a lowly human survive an explosion!), and instead just consider the first two of each franchise. And on this basis, I have to award the championship belt to the Aliens.
The Movies
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think any of the originals (Alien,
Aliens, Predator, Predator 2) are truly excellent
movies, although I do think they’re very good. They all
suffer, however, from the same ailment infecting all
alien-related horror movies: the humans have to ‘win’ in the
end. Hah, like humans could hold a candle to either
an Alien or Predator. And yet, in countless movies of the
genre now, the humans somehow get in the final punch, be it
through a glorified bear trap in Predator, the
cold, harsh reality of empty space in Alien, or
sundry other unlikely scenarios. I have to say, I have for
some time secretly desired for the ‘bad guy’ to get the one
up on… well, us. But not the Predator. The Predator annoys me. Perhaps it’s his reliance on technology -- let’s face it, without the tech, the Predator is nothing -- like the cloak, the laser sight (what is this, killing for beginners?), and the pathetic self-destruct (more later). Or maybe it’s all that sitting up in a tree/building, creepily watching the plot unfold but not actually doing anything. What can I say? I like a bad guy who, when he has the opportunity to rip your throat out, does. He doesn’t over-analyze it. Think The Birds or Starship Troopers (oh… come on, has anyone ever dared mentioned these two movies in the same breath?).
For me, this is a major failing of the Predator
oeuvre. Admittedly, in both the Alien and
Predator movies, the humans, who aren’t ever
squeaky-clean themselves (muscle men/women in Predator
and Aliens, or scheming corporate/military research
types in Predator 2 and Alien) must
somehow overcome their differences to take on, and
eventually beat, the bad guy(s). As the audience, we’re not
stupid. We know who is going to eventually win, even if we
sometimes don’t want to believe it. But unlike in the
Alien movies, you can easily see just where
the Predator is going to go wrong. He’s going to get goaded
into something. Or he’s going to get cocky and go hand to
hand (has that ever come off? Ask Tommy Lee Jones how it
worked out for him). In other words, the Predator is just as
fallible as we are. Meanwhile the Alien just goes for the kill. Mindless, relentless, no game plan, like a swarm of locusts. You don’t really beat the Aliens -- you just don’t lose as badly as you could have.
The Creatures
It is the “personality” and “intelligence” of the Predator
that costs him most dearly. First of all, let’s get the big
one out of the way: the self-destruct device. How pathetic.
I don’t get this one. If, as we are led to believe (Predator
2), they are a proud race only interested in the hunt,
then what do you get out of blowing yourself up? Surely a
better way to go out is to throw the proverbial
kitchen/death-ray sink at your enemy and, if you do happen
to still get knocked off, then either (a) you’re just not
good enough, or (b) your ‘prey’ is actually pretty decent
(and let’s face it, Arnold is more than decent… though I’m
not so sure about Danny). If the former, you deserve to die;
if the latter, then eventually word is going to get back to
the other Predators that there is ‘worthy’ prey out there,
and you can at least rest easy (which, being dead, is about
all you’re going to be doing) that you set the bar so high
for others of your hunt-happy race. It’s like getting the
top score on a pinball game. Your last ball will fall
through those flippers in the end, but that’s still your
name up on the board for all to see.Would an Alien have this problem? Helllll no! Why? They are mindless killers. Emphasis on ‘mindless’. Sure, occasionally they have to drag a few victims back to the hive to birth the next generation, but Aliens are pretty simple folk. They approach you with little stealth (you just don’t see them) and prefer the head on charge. If you’re lucky you might get to see their second set of teeth, but fairly quickly it’s BOOM! You’re dead (unless you’re a cat).
Would an Alien, upon noticing that its prey (in this case,
Cantrall in Predator 2) is pregnant, retreat and
not kill her? Not a chance. It might pause for a
second to consider what little space she has left inside her
to jam another Alien down her face, but would probably just
rip her in half anyway.But for me, the one reason why the Aliens get the nod in this battle is not the acid blood, it’s not that streamlined body perfect for climbing quickly through air vents, and it’s not even that second set of teeth (cool though). The reason is the potential of Aliens plural. Now, you could maybe argue that one Predator would beat one Alien, and you might be right. But take a moment to admire the relentless skill on show by the Aliens in Aliens. You take one down, there are ten others. You bring an army, they just see a bunch of baby Alien incubators.
Conclusion
One could say that the Predators’ biggest weakness is that
they are too much like humans. And we know how pathetic
humans are. Aliens, on the other hand, you suspect will last
much longer than mere Earthlings or even the Predator race.
That there’ll always be some humanoid population to stumble
upon their eggs and, like a plague, the Aliens will tear
through this new race quickly and efficiently. No mercy, no
second thoughts, no fancy kills. Meanwhile, some Predator somewhere will be still playing around with his self-destruct device. How sad.
Further Reading
Geek Speak's Alien review, by William Cashin
Geek Speak's Predators review, by Malcolm Matthews
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