Iron Fist. Season 1 of this latest installment of the Marvel Netflix franchise was released in its entirety on March 17, 2017 and now, over a month later, Geek Speak‘s Rachel Hyland and B. C. Roberts have both finally made their respective ways through this most disappointing of offerings. Here, a conversation spanning the unprecedented weeks it took them to get through the show, with obscenity-laden commentary on same…

— SPOILERS FOR ALL EPISODES OF IRON FIST — 

Tuesday, March 21

B. C. ROBERTS:

So, Iron Fist?

RACHEL HYLAND

Am three episodes in and cannot recall the last time I groaned so much during a show, and that includes The Big Bang Theory. Danny is just so… dumb. And it kind of makes sense, he’s a 10-year-old in a kung fu master’s body, but the acting is so inscrutable and the writing so weak that you have to work so hard to make allowances that it’s annoying – and you know me, I’m usually happy to fill in plot holes.

Maybe if Arrow didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be so disappointed.

BCR: 

I’m six episodes in. I completely agree that the acting and writing are so weak that it’s hard to figure out what they’re going for most of the time. Sometimes Danny is super serious and then he’s like an excited child and then he’s weirdly trusting and then he’s all determined and certain. And it just doesn’t come together at all.

It’s the stupidest Marvel thing in a long, long time.

Friday, March 24

RH:

RE: Episode 6, “Immortal Emerges from Cave”

I had high hopes for this Mortal Kombat-style tournament. And then the stupid spider girl…

BCR:

Yeah that was ridiculous.

It keeps getting worse. Hard to believe but it’s a train wreck. I can’t understand quite how they managed to fuck it up so comprehensively.

Monday, March 27

BCR:

My God. 13 episodes is far too many. This show just keeps on being awful and keeps on going and going and going. 

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

BCR:

I finished Iron Fist last night. I’m dying to hear what you think of the whole thing.

RH: 

Yes, doubtless we will have much to discuss. It might be a while… 

Saturday, April 1

RE: Episode 7, “Felling Tree with Roots”

RH:

“About last night… I enjoyed it.” Ugh.

BCR:

At least he said he enjoyed it. I was so worried he was going to go all “I’m a celibate monk, I’ve made a terrible mistake.” 

RH:

Poor Colleen. First he spends hours lecturing this KUNG FU TEACHER on how to kung fu, and then he somehow gets her to sleep with him.

RE: Episode 9, “The Mistress of All Agonies”

Danny’s not very smart, is he?

He brought Gao all the way back from China to… NOT torture her for information? And none of these conversations could have been had on the plane home? 

BCR:

I have genuinely no idea why he kidnapped Gao or even how he did it. What happened to her blow Danny across the room hand of power thing?

RH:

Yes! So ludicrous. They clearly forgot about that. Meanwhile, Gao is namechecking all of Claire’s super-powered buds… it is ballsy of them to point out the blatant happenstance. And at least Claire doesn’t know Jessica Jones! (Although, she IS Claire’s boyfriend’s ex…)

At some point, if you’re Claire, you just have to think maybe it’s you.

BCR:

I think my problems with Iron Fist come down to two main things: first is that Finn Jones is just an awful actor. The writing is clearly trying to go for some brooding intensity (which was a poor choice) but he just cannot pull it off in the slightest; second is Arrow. This whole thing has been DONE BEFORE.

It’s like the only thing that DC has already nailed

Also, I love Rosario Dawson but turning Claire into a fighter just to keep her relevant is stupid. She’s a way shittier character now than she was in the first season of Daredevil.

RE: Episode 10, “Black Tiger Steals Heart”

RH: 

Is that Danny on the cover of Forbes magazine?!? Calling him an “entrepreneur”?

BCR:

Oh my god. I missed that.

RH:

Insane. He’s been back for a minute and a half. When did he have time for a cover shoot?

BCR:

There’s always time for a cover shoot.

RH:

Can we talk about Bakuto (Ramon Rodriguez) for a second? Bakuto is by far the best thing to happen to this show in its entire run, except for maybe when poor dead Kyle (Alex Wyse) dared to like vanilla ice cream. And by best I mean most surprising, I didn’t want Kyle to die horribly, you understand. But having Harold beat him to death — wow. I did not expect that at all. And likewise, Bakuto. He is The Hand! Colleen is The Hand! But the good kind of Hand, except not really, still all gangster control-the-world-y, but just really smooth about it. And Colleen has basically been recruiting kids into the Foot Clan this whole time.

BCR:

But then she turned on her sensei in a second when Danny needed her to, because of sex, I guess? Bakuto really needs to get himself a Bebop and Rocksteady. 

And we really should just have watched the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles instead of this show.

RH:

Truth!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

RE: Episode 11, “Lead Horse Back to Stable” 

RH:

Danny just spent a whole episode NOT being the Iron Fist. This show should have been entitled Mostly Normal Fist.

BCR:

Hahahahaha.

It is just relentlessly bad. The whitewashing isn’t even in the top ten of its failings

Sunday, April 16, 2017

RE: Episode 13, “Dragon Plays with Fire”

RH:

So, did Harold think that Joy would believe Danny somehow worked with the Hand to sell the drugs through Rand (heh, Rand… The Hand…) BEFORE HE CAME BACK TO NEW YORK? While he was in an ancient, mythical monastery? And had no access to the company, or anything?

BCR:

No fucking idea what Harold was thinking. Worst deflection of blame ever.

RH:

And OF COURSE Harold had Danny’s parents killed.

BCR:

Of course. 

RH:

Hey, Iron Fist! Even Revenge of the Sith thinks your reveal is obvious and super lame. 

RH:

Whew. Almost done now. It’s just Davos and Joy talking and… um… WHAT THE HELL, DAVOS?!?

BCR:

Fucking Davos. Makes no sense whatsoever.

So, can I assume that you’ve seen it now and I can start talking about everyone to the end?

RH:

Yep. Spoilers no more!

BCR:

Hooray.

Why were they so surprised that Kunlun had gone? Surely the way had to close eventually?

RH:

Or did the Hand, who are — after all — the sworn enemies of Kunlun, cause it to close after they were able to invade due to the lack of a reliable Iron Fist? There are all those dead fighters, after all… I don’t think Davos could have expected it to be closed so soon; or perhaps he did, and blames Danny for exiling him from his home which is why he suddenly wants to kill him, and not for the tedious unrequited love reason that they seem to be going for.

BCR:

I agree that’s what the implication was, but it seemed like ‘the way’ was open for a terribly long time. Enough time for Danny to leave, run down a mountain, fight in illegal fight clubs, get a fake passport, get to New York and then do everything in the show. If the way to Kunlun only open every 15 years, it seems like it’s been open for at least a year?

Of course I should have spelled that K’un-Lun, because Marvel.

RH:

The timeline on the show is definitely messed up. But I don’t think Danny has been away from Kunlun — OF COURSE it is K’un-Lun, geez Marvel, way to exoticize — for all that long.

The final episode was, at least, the… less bad among them all. (Except for the coda. The coda can bite me.)

BCR:

Really? I thought the shift of good guys and bad guys was ridiculously unbelievable. Ward is now a good guy and Joy and Davos become bad guys. How is that even remotely likely? Joy has been consistently smarter than starting up some death plot against the fucking Iron Fist. Why do people always think that killing a superhero will be a walk in the park?

RH:

I have more faith in Joy. I think she is drawing out Davos to hear his nefarious plan and then will run straight to Danny to warn him. I could see her plotting Ward’s death — he’s betrayed her every day for over a decade, and then got her shot — but she is very fond of Danny and isn’t nearly as ruthless as Davos seems to think. Unless the second death of her dad flipped that switch. (Which can happen in comic land, certainly.)

Ward being the good guy now makes more sense — he was always presented to us in a fairly sympathetic light, not in an anti-hero way or in a Fisk-esque fascinating villain way, but as a victim.

BCR:

I hope you’re right. On the upside, we are not going to have to see them for, what, around 3 years?

RH:

Hopefully.

The burning question in all of this, of course: DID ANYONE EVER FIND KYLE’S BODY?

BCR:

A better question: will you watch Season 2 of this awfulness?

RH:

Oh, you know. Probably. But it’s, well, Iron Fist, so I won’t exactly be in a fever of anticipation.

BCR:

Obviously. 

RH:

You?

BCR:

Ask me again after The Defenders.

 


Iron Fist is available on Netflix.

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