From the stars of cult hit Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes RiffTrax, audio commentaries you can play along with your favorite, or least favorite, blockbuster films. As RiffTrax claims: “We don’t make movies, we make movies funny.” In this weekly series, we will be reviewing their Geek Speak-friendly offerings, in order of publication. This week:

startrek5webposterbStar Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989)
Riffed by: Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy
Release Date: August 18, 2006

FROM RIFFTRAX.COM

“The bittersweet sequel to Star Treks I, II, III and IV was indeed the “Final Frontier”, one last voyage for our heroic Captain Kirk and the brave crew of the Enterprise – except for another one to follow.

And then of course the several dozen spin-offs and spin-off sequels to follow.

The Final Frontier sees a special guest appearance by the one character fit to take equal billing with William Shatner: God.”

THE RIFF

This is the first time Mike, founder of RiffTrax, is joined in the booth by one of his old MST3K cohorts, and it’s immediately obvious that their interplay is what was missing from Mike’s solo work. Disembaudio’s presence is blessedly kept to a minimum, too, as the two old friends just have a lot of fun here, mostly at William Shatner’s expense.

HIGHLIGHTS

[McCoy watches Kirk climb a cliff face]
MCCOY: You’ll have a great time Bones, you’ll enjoy your shore leave, you’ll be able to relax.
RIFF: [as McCoy] You’ll be able to wear your camping ascot.

star-trek-v-mccoy

[Paradise City is overrun]
RIFF: And so the lamest city in the galaxy falls to the lamest attackers in the universe in what would come to be known as the Three-and-a-Half Minutes War.

KIRK: Well, gentlemen, it appears shore leave has been cancelled. Pack out your trash.
RIFF: But we didn’t bring a copy of the script with us.

[Sybok comes on screen]
RIFF: Ah, a goatee. The Star Trek universal symbol for evil.

KIRK: [to Sybok] I’ll take you to the Bridge.
RIFF: [as Sybok] I was hoping the horn section would take us to the bridge.

UHURA: We’re on approach of the Great Barrier.
RIFF: Pah. It’s not that great.

[Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Sybok stare at the center of the galaxy]
RIFF: Fully half of science fiction is just looking at things.

KIRK: [to Spock and McCoy] Cosmic thoughts, gentlemen?
RIFF: Nope, just a trite wrap-up.

RUNNING GAGS

Priceline.com
William Shatner’s ego.
The musical catalog of Shatner and Nimoy.
Chekov’s “w”s and “v”s.
Scotty’s accent.
Shatner’s pronunciation of “Spock.”
The Three Stooges.
General homoeroticism.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

William Shatner is portly.
James Doohan is portlier.
Just general fat jokes.

SCATALOGICAL INDEX

REALLY high. There were beans consumed.

GROANS

KIRK: Enterprise, lower shields.
SCOTT: Lowering shields, sir.
RIFF: Though panty shields remain in place.

No.

[To Chekov]
RIFF: You’re as Russian as my Irish grandma, you hack!

SO mean.

OBSCURE REFERENCES

largemarge[In an alien strip club]
RIFF: Large Marge has really gone downhill.

Large Marge, played by Alice Nunn, was a kindly trucker in the 1985 movie Peewee’s Big Adventure.

stv_tribreastcat[A felinioid is dancing on a table in a seedy bar]
RIFF: Grizabella, no!

and

[A felinioid attacks Kirk]
RIFF: It’s the Jellakill cat.

Grizabella and the Jellicle cat are both from T. S. Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats (1939), the poetry that forms the basis for the musical Cats (1981).

leary[The enrobed Sybok is brainwashing people]
RIFF: Timothy Leary in a dress.

Timothy Leary (1920 – 1996) was a psychologist who advocated the use of mind-altering drugs for use in psychotherapy.

KIRK: What makes you think I won’t turn us around?
SYBOK: Because, you too must know.
RIFF: Lidsville is right out there.

Lidsville is a 1971 children’s show from the makers of H. R. PufnStuf, which saw a teenage boy transported into a world inhabited by, well, talking hats. Surprisingly, it only lasted for seventeen episodes.

tekwarGENERAL KORRD: And now, may I present our new gunner.
RIFF: His name is Jake Cardigan!

Jake Cardigan is the unlikely name given to the hero of William Shatner’s TekWar, a series of eight dystopian science fiction novels published between 1989 and 1996. A television adaptation (also starring Shatner) aired for two seasons, and there are also comics based on the series.

Did you know? The TekWar series was ghost-written by Ron Goulart.

OBLIGATORY STAR TREK AND/OR WARS REFERENCES

Well, obviously original Star Trek references abound, but there’s also this:

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy climb a turboshaft]
RIFF: They’re gonna run into Jonathan Frakes coming down.

And then this, from that galaxy far, far away:

[Farmers in hessian descend on the capital]
RIFF: Those aren’t just tall Ewoks, are they?

BONUS! LORD OF THE RINGS REFERENCES

Sybok = “Cut-rate Elrond.” Heh.

VERDICT

A solid B effort on this, the hands down worst Star Trek instalment of all time. (Yes, including Enterprise.)

PURCHASE INFORMATION

Audio Download

NOTES

Worst Star Trek movies in order, according to Kevin: “This one, followed by bald chick with the legs, followed by Kim Cattrall.”

NEXT WEEK: X-Men!

About the author

RACHEL HYLAND

Rachel Hyland is Editor-in-Chief of Geek Speak Magazine and, she is pretty sure, the one true queen of Fantastica, raised in obscurity to protect her from the dark lord Sinisterium. If you see her magic sword, get in touch via twitter: @rachyland or Instagram: @rachelseesdeadpeople. The fate of the many worlds may just depend upon it.